Self-sabotage is a term used to describe our actions and behaviours that can interfere with our success and happiness. These behaviours can include things like procrastination, perfectionism, people pleasing, and the need to control. They show up as negative voices, that talk on a loop in our minds, saying we 'should, shouldn't, can't, aren't good enough to' do the things we want to do.
There are many reasons why we self-sabotage. Some people do it because they are afraid of failure so it's better to sit still than take any risks. Others do it because they don't believe they deserve success. And others do it because they are trying to avoid change- they're too comfortable even if they aren't satisfied.
Whatever the reason, self-sabotage can have a negative impact on our lives. It can prevent us from moving forward, it can stop us finding contentment, and it can lead to self-destructive behaviours.
Listening to the self-sabotaging voices instead of the helpful, kind ones
If you find yourself self-sabotaging, first, it's important to understand why you are doing it. Once you understand the root of the problem, you can start to address it.
Here are some common ways we self-sabotage:
Fear of failure: We may be afraid of failure because we don't want to feel like a failure. We may also be afraid of failure because we don't want to disappoint others or have them think less of us.
Lack of self-confidence: We may not believe in ourselves or our abilities. This can lead us to self-sabotage because we don't think we can succeed so we don't even try.
Perfectionism: We may try to be perfect in everything we do. This means we are never satisfied with our results, so what's the point in taking any risks or being creative?
People pleasing: We may try to please everyone else, even if it means sacrificing our own happiness. It means we are not taking care of ourselves or having clear boundaries.
Need for control: We may need to be in control of everything in our lives, which means we are not flexible or adaptable and miss out on opportunities and experiences.
Avoidance: We may avoid things that we are afraid of or that we don't want to do. We may avoid difficult conversations (aka opportunities for connection) because we are worried about how we might come across or what the other person might think. This can lead us to inaction and dissatisfaction because people don't really know how we feel or what we want!
Need for success to feel worthy: We may feel like we need to be successful in order to be worthy of love and acceptance. This might mean we self-sabotage because we are not happy with ourselves unless we are successful. What does 'success' look like to you?
Being a victim: We may feel like a victim of our circumstances, environment or other people. This leads us to believe we have no control over our lives and therefore 'absolves us of responsibility' to make our own (better) choices.
Restlessness: We may start things we don't finish or spend a lot of time procrastinating, as a way of avoiding failure.
If you find yourself self-sabotaging, there are a few things you can do to overcome it:
Identify the root of the problem: Once you understand why you are self-sabotaging, you can start to address the issue.
Be kind to yourself: Self-sabotage is a common problem. Notice when you're doing it, but don't judge yourself for it. Forgive yourself and move on. Be your own cheerleader!
Focus on the positive: When you catch yourself self-sabotaging, remind yourself of what your bigger picture is.
Find a support system: Talk to your friends and family about what you are going through. They can offer you support and encouragement.
Seek professional help: If you are struggling with self-sabotage, a professional listener can help you to understand the root of the problem and to develop strategies for overcoming it.
Self-sabotage can be a series of difficult habits to break, but it is possible. With time and effort, you can learn to turn the volume down on the negative voices and turn the volume up on your cheerleaders!